Thursday, November 30, 2023

On a date with her I


She was lost. Doubting and criticizing her every move, word and thought. The world seemed to be always right and she was always wrong. Until she met her I. And even then, she took her time for a date to really know her I and let her rule her world. The rest, as they say, is history.

The night’s silence enveloped her. She snuggled into its warmth. Everything was still and quiet. She was with herself. Calm. Connected. On a date with her I. Me talking to me.

The clock was a curious bystander. Making its unwanted presence felt by constantly ticking away. Every second. Every heartbeat. Every pulse. But she stood there. Under the stillness. She had met herself after a long day – for the very first time.

The to-do lists could wait for a few more hours. But not she. Not her I. This was a one-off date. That no one would know about. They would call her crazy for even doing this. Shun her more than they already did.

She and herself were together. There was no mirror to look at. She didn’t need one. She could look into her own eyes through the quiet. She could read her own mind. Listen to what the heart had to say. Although they were meeting for the first time, it felt as if she had known her forever – since eternity, across lives lived and long forgotten.

Finally, she had found someone with whom she could be herself – completely and truly.

She decided to put everything that was running through her tired, sleep-deprived mind on hold for the next couple of hours or until the sun came up. She needed to get to know this version of herself. She had to be her one and only priority – for once.

Relations, connections, rituals, promises, work, emotions and so much more – everything could wait or go on without her – she was amazed at how little she cared about them at this moment.

For all these years, her I had been sitting in the back seat. Waiting for the rest of the segments to have played their roles. Her I knew how to wait patiently. Up until now, her I had the smallest part to play.

Maybe it was time that her I took the stage. Her I had no speeches to narrate. No dialogues. No storyline to follow. Her I just went with the flow. Like a little twig on the river rushing towards the sea.

She realized that she needed to let her I speak for herself. She needed to pause everything and listen to her. There could be only viewers of the show, someone who would take their time to know her I. Who else would understand her I? Who would take time to sit down with her and try to get to know her I, like really know her?

It had to be her. Only her.

I was precious. They had just met. She and herself. 4 decades of her life had gone by and she didn’t know that her I even existed.

Why did it take so long? To reach this calm place, to connect, to be with herself? What if the decades had been years? Or the years had been months?

How would have her getting to know her I years ago when she was still a child, changed her story? How would have the years turned out? Would she still be the same she that she is today?

Maybe she would have been happy. Maybe she would have walked away from the people, situations and things that made her sad, made her hurt herself. Maybe she would have said No more often. Maybe she would have smiled more. Or danced. Or gone skating. Or flown away on imaginary wings. Maybe she would have been a better writer of her own stories.

Who knows what would have happened?

She is sure of one this though. She realizes that her I would have ruled. Been on top of the world. Her world.

As they say, all is well that ends well. She has met herself. Better late than never. Better now than never. She is never letting go of her I.

Now that she knows her I, life is different. It’s beautiful and serene. She is often alone yes, but never lonely. She can’t remember being this happy in all the years gone by. She has never been this sure of herself in all these years either. She knows what she wants. She knows where to draw a line. She knows when to say no.

Yes, there are days when the past dares to raise its ugly head and attempts to engulf her completely. Thankfully, before the panic attacks and anxieties get dangerously out of her control, her I saves her, gently guiding her towards today. Toward now. Towards this moment. Towards her next breath. Right here. She knows that way forward is the only way.

She sometimes ponders to herself with a smile – if only she had known that she was her own savior, her own princess in shining armour!

Her I keeps her grounded, even when she soars in the high skies. Her I keeps her humble and grateful for all that she has, for all those she holds close to her heart and soul.

Her I doesn’t suffocate her. In fact, now that she is in sync with her I, she breathes slower and deeper. Her I is her reason to smile.

On the crazy days, her I nudges her to take a pause, to breathe a deep, long and slow breath and send out a silent thank you for all that she is, has and aspires to become.

The crazy days are in abundance lately, so her I has made her wear this new brand of rose-tinted shades called Believe in your I, Trust in the Universe and Keep Moving. Ever since she started wearing these cool shades, the crazy days don’t seem as scary as they used to.

The fact that people scoff at her for wearing these rose-tinted shades doesn’t bother her anymore. After all, as her I tells her, it’s her perspective of her life. She knows what to believe in, and where to put her faith.

She shakes her head at herself, thinking how was she not aware that such a brand of eye-wear existed for all these years!

On the calm days, she takes long walks with her I. Just the two of them, on a long road, arms wide open, fingertips playing with the soft breeze. She takes pictures of anything that catches her eye – the sun shining for the first time on a baby leaf or the road sprinkled with red Gul Mohar petals after a surprise downpour in May.

She smiles more often too. Her I makes her break out into a song impulsively, not caring about who is listening to her. She even does a little jig, never shy of who is watching her.

The world’s rules of who should she be and how should she act have melted away into oblivion.

She is happy.

What are you waiting for? When are you going on a date with your I?

Also Read: Mumma’s promise

(Saumya Dahake is a full-time mom and a passionate writer. She worked as a Product Consultant in the corporate sector.)

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the article above are those of the author’s and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of Unless otherwise noted, the author is writing in his/her personal capacity. They are not intended and should not be thought to represent official ideas, attitudes, or policies of any agency or institution.)


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